Oh, where do we even begin? From the bottom of our calloused, overworked hearts, we, the hard-working class of Britain, would like to extend our deepest, most sarcastic gratitude to the Labour Party and our fearless leader, Sir Keir Starmer, for the dazzling array of tax raises and delightful policy changes since you swept into power. Truly, you’ve outdone yourselves in showing us what “for the many, not the few” really means—specifically, taking from the many to fund, well, whatever it is you’re spending it on these days. We’re sure it’s something noble, like another round of diversity training for MPs or a shiny new office chair for Angela Rayner.
First off, let’s talk about those tax hikes. National Insurance contributions going up? Genius. Absolute genius. We were all sitting around our kitchen tables—those of us who can still afford kitchens—thinking, “You know what? I don’t pay nearly enough to keep this country afloat.” And you heard us, Keir! You swooped in like a knight in shining armour (probably taxpayer-funded armour, but who’s counting?) and decided that employers and employees alike needed to chip in a bit more. Sure, it might mean fewer jobs, smaller pay rises, or—dare we dream?—businesses packing up and leaving the UK entirely, but that’s a small price to pay for the utopia you’re building. We’ll just tighten our belts another notch. No biggie.
And then there’s the inheritance tax tweak—sorry, we mean the *progressive overhaul* of how we pass on what little we’ve scraped together over decades of graft. Thank you for reminding us that our kids don’t deserve a leg up; they should start from scratch, just like we did, only now with higher rents, bigger bills, and a side of student debt we didn’t even have to worry about back in the day. It’s so thoughtful of you to level the playing field by making sure family farms and small businesses get swallowed up by bureaucracy or sold off to some faceless corporation. Keeps things fair, right?
Oh, and the energy bills! We can’t forget to thank you for your bold stance on net zero, which has somehow translated into us paying more to heat our homes while shivering through another winter. It’s character-building, really. We’re out here pretending it’s 1940s rationing all over again, but with worse jumpers and no victory in sight. Your unwavering commitment to green policies—while energy companies rake in record profits and we’re told to “fix our own insulation”—is just the kind of leadership we didn’t know we needed. Bravo.
Let’s not overlook the public services, either. We’re so grateful that, despite all these extra taxes, the NHS waiting lists are still longer than a Tolkien novel, and the potholes on our roads could double as modern art installations. It’s almost like the money’s vanishing into thin air—or perhaps into another round of pay rises for union pals. Either way, we’re thrilled to contribute more of our hard-earned cash to this magic trick. Keep us guessing, Keir!
And finally, a special shoutout for the smoking ban in pub gardens. Nothing says “looking out for the working class” like taking away the one tiny joy we had left after a 12-hour shift—puffing on a fag outside the local with a pint we can barely afford. We get it, though; you’re saving us from ourselves. It’s not enough that we’re taxed to the hilt and working harder than ever—you’ve got to make sure we’re miserable while we’re at it. Pure compassion.
So, here’s to you, Labour and Keir Starmer, from every plumber, nurse, builder, and shop assistant who’s watched their payslip shrink and their dreams get a little dimmer since you took the reins. We couldn’t have asked for a better reminder that hard work doesn’t pay off—it just pays *you*. Cheers for that. We’ll be over here, counting our pennies and raising a lukewarm cuppa in your honour. Don’t spend it all in one place, now.
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